April 21, 2016
Holy shit… Michael Jackson just challenged Prince to a walk off. This is the moment Jesus has been waiting over 2,000 years for.
ER MER GERD!!!! David Bowie just appeared to judge. This is it. This is the day Heaven peaks.
All of sudden, amid a puff of purple smoke & the sound of thunder, Elvis, Freddie Mercury, John Lennon, & Jimi Hendrix jump onto the runway.
MJ: What is this BS?
Prince: Oh them? I guess you could call them the…. REVOLUTION
*1,000 purple lightning bolts swirl around the stage*
Michael claps his hands & a giant castle pushes up from the clouds below, there are beautiful gigantic bursts of fireworks. And…
the Disney Theme song starts playing. Jesus gave MJ a “the fuck is this” sort of look & telepathically he responded back “Bro, I just LOVE Disney”
The gate of the Disney castle explodes open with a ball of fire, & out walks Tupac, Kurt Cobain, Frank Sinatra, and Johnny Fucking Cash.
Prince: Let me guess, the Jackson 5?
MJ looks sharply at Kurt: Why didn’t we think of that?
Kurt: Dude, I’m just here for the whiskey.
Now Kurt, Frank, Pac, & Johnny are taking turns guzzling Jack. So far they’ve each downed a bottle. And yes, Angels can get drunk…
Prince: You ready?
MJ glances at his squad, who are so shit faced they can barely stand. He nods yes.
“They can’t be worse than Tito”, he muttered.
Prince steps onto the catwalk first: “Dearly, beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called afterlife.”
Hendrix pulls out his guitar & starts playing a funk rock version of ‘Cream.’ John Lennon, to everyone’s surprise, jumps on the drum kit.
Lennon: I’m the best fucking drummer in the Beatles man.
Elvis: This is it 🎤
Freddie: it’s time for you to go to the wire 🎤
Elvis: You will hit 🎤
Freddie: Cause you got the burnin desire 🎤
Prince hits the runway like a bedazzled hurricane. Every step a revelation, every hip thrust a miracle. Angels are fainting left & right.
As a grand finale Prince drops into the splits then springs back to standing, and repeats while spinning. Champagne begins to rain.
At last report 300 angels have gotten pregnant merely witnessing Prince walking.
As Michael steps up to the walk Johnny Cash begins strumming out an acoustic smooth criminal. Sinatra & Kobain have long since passed out..
TuPac: This shit needs bass.
Then, out of nowhere, Lemmy appears from the shadows, winks at Bowie and says, “I believe I might be of service.”
Pac: As he came into the window
It was the sound of a crescendo 🎤
He came into her apartment
He left the bloodstains on the carpet 🎤
As Michael begins floating in what can only be described as a moon walk dipped in stardust, Frank awakens.
Sinatra: You still got it kid!
Sinatra takes another swig of Jack & begins violently vomiting chalupas & cinnamon twists, because shit in Heaven is seriously kray-kray.
MJ starts to spin as he reaches the end of the stage, while he rotates the ground begins to shake and what is that? What is that bright light?
The stage splits in 2, an inter-dimensional doorway opens up, & HOLY SHIT, out walks Jonathan Brandis, River Phoenix, & Corey Haim.
Michael Jackson is so fucking magical he literally released the lost boys from purgatory. Even Bowie seems impressed.
It is too close to tell who has won, but before Bowie can offer up a verdict, MJ offers his hand to Prince.
Prince: You’re still dangerous
Prince & MJ simultaneously: You can be my wingman anytime.
MJ: Did we just become best friends?
Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Jim Morrison & the 1927 Yankees join everyone on stage as Freddie picks up a solid gold mic.
Freddie: I’ve paid my dues
Time after time 🎤
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime 🎤
Jimi: And bad mistakes 🎤
Frank: I’ve made a few 🎤
Johnny: I’ve had my share of sand
Kicked in my face 🎤
Elvis: But I’ve come through 🎤
The Lost Boys: & we mean to go on and on & on & on 🎤
EVERYONE: We are the champions – my friends
& we’ll keep on fighting
Till the end 🎤
Kurt: We… are… the… champions…
Lemmy: We are the champions
EVERYONE: No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions of the World